My Top Five Funniest Moments as a Massage Therapist

Being a massage therapist is something that some people don't even know about me, but once upon a time, it was what I did full-time. And I absolutely loved it.

I got to pretty much set my own schedule doing something I actually enjoyed, take off when I wanted to, didn't have to worry about how many PTO (paid time off) hours I had, and I wore the same thing to work every day so I didn't have to go through the headache of picking out clothes every night.

But I needed something more consistent and stable (and with benefits for me and my son), so I ended up taking a regular 9-5. I still do massage therapy on the side, but there are times that I really miss it being my main thing.

There were some times, though, when it wasn't so enjoyable. Other times when it produced OMG, freak-me-out, is-this-really-happening-right-now moments. Thankfully I can laugh at them now. *smile*

So here are my top five funniest moments as a massage therapist (in no particular order):

1. When a woman's skin came off in my hands

Okay, maybe not literally...

But when I was working at a wellness center, I was giving this woman a massage...everything was going fine...then I started to feel this strange friction, like something was rubbing off as I massaged. I looked down and my palms were almost completely black.

Talk about a freak-me-out moment. The room was dim and I tried to see what the heck it was on the back of her thighs that was coming off like that, but I swear to you, it looked completely normal. Thankfully she was lying prone (face-down) at the time so she had no idea what was going on. I just subtly wiped my hands on the sheets (leaving a significant stain) and continued on with the massage. Never said anything to her about what happened.

2. The guy with the breasts

One of the requirements in massage therapy school is getting a certain number of practice hours outside of class, so I hit up a lot of family and friends asking them to be my guinea pigs.

One guy I knew from back in the day agreed to let me practice on him. I went to his house and after we did the obligatory what's-been-going-on-with-you chat, I started getting set up while he went to get ready.

When he came down, my eyes were immediately drawn to his chest. Not because he had rock-hard pecs, but because he had perkier breasts than I do. It was the last thing I was expecting, and I had to fight to avert my eyes and keep my face neutral.

But my eyes kept straying back to them all on their own. I felt like some kind of perv.

3. When they treated my massage business like some kind of escort service

So when I was still doing mobile massages, this guy calls and asked me to come over and give him a two-hour session. Cool, no problem.

Got all my stuff, drove to his house, got set up...was all ready to get started. I noticed that he didn't seem to be in any hurry to get ready, though...he was still in his work clothes, sitting around making small talk with me. When he finally did get up and leave the room, presumably to get undressed, he came back fully-clothed, with drinks, and asking if I wanted some dinner.

Long story short, I never did give him that massage; all we did was talk and eat. He just didn't want to spend the evening by himself. And he still paid my fee.

4. When a client showed up to my house unannounced

This one wasn't all that funny at the time. I can kinda chuckle at it now, I guess.

When I was building my mobile massage business, I had the brilliant idea to put an ad online. Since I didn't have a storefront and the business was mobile, there was no need to list my address on the ad. But apparently, the rep used my home address in the listing without me realizing it.

So one night, I kept getting calls from some man, asking where I was located. I told him, repeatedly, that my business was mobile; I didn't have a salon or anything. He didn't seem to believe me, though, and after a while I just started ignoring his calls. I figured that was that.

Next thing I know, a cab pulls up in my driveway. The taxi driver knocks on the door and asks if this is where BodyBliss (the name of my mobile massage business) was located. I said no, this was my home. A man in the taxi called out that this was the address on the massage listing, and I recognized his voice as the one that had called me repeatedly earlier. I just said there must have been some kind of misunderstanding (the taxi driver agreed; he said he had told the guy he thought they were in the wrong place) and they left. I closed the door, literally shaking. OMG moment.

So I don't really do the mobile massage anymore...

5. When he got naked and expected me to get naked, too

I don't remember how I met him, but this male massage therapist and I were talking about being possible massage partners...you know, someone to trade massages with once a week or so. When you're a massage therapist, having a good massage partner is golden, because we're often giving massages more than we're getting them, and our bodies need them as much as anyone's.

So we agreed that I'd come over and we'd trade massages to see if we liked each other's styles and all that. There were some immediate red flags that should have sent me running right back out the door, by my relative naivete` at the time kept me there:

Red Flag #1: As soon as I walked through the door, he was commenting on how beautiful he thought I was. When I recalled this whole incident to one of my massage instructors later, he said I should have checked him on that right then...let him know that I was there strictly as massage therapist and I should be respected as such. At the time, I just thought it was a nice compliment.

Red Flag #2: He wasted no time getting naked. Before I had even put my stuff down, he was as naked as a raw chicken, drawing the curtains. Now, massage clients wanting to get naked is nothing new and no big deal. But they're always under a sheet...I never actually see their full-on nakedness right out in the open. But dude was just walking around hanging free like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Red Flag #3: When he was giving me my massage, he insisted I remove my bra. His reasoning was that he wanted to be able to access my entire back, and he never tried anything or touched me inappropriately, but still. That kind of thing is supposed to be up to the person getting the massage...a therapist isn't supposed to insist they remove anything they're not comfortable with (heck, I've had to massage people through jeans and t-shirts before).

Red Flag #4: The sexual-sounding moaning. If you're a fan of the shows Modern Family or Friends, you might remember episodes where Claire and Monica (respectively) were doing a lot of loud moaning and talking as they were getting massaged, as if someone was sexually pleasuring them or something. Well, that was this dude. When I was massaging him (insert another red flag here, because he didn't want to use a sheet), and I was massaging his upper inner thigh as he requested (red flag...remember, he's naked) he started doing all this moaning and writhing, as if I was giving him some kind of happy ending. If you had been listening from another room, you would swear there was some fellatio going on. Definitely an Is-this-really-happening-right-now moments.

As soon as we were done, I got my stuff and got the heck out of there. Needless to say, we didn't become massage partners after that.




After doing massage in several places for several years, there are more stories I could share, but these are definitely the top five. Fun stuff, huh? LOL


I even wrote a novel about a massage therapist, but that one isn't out yet. There are several other books on my site, though, for your enjoyment. Take a look-see here.


#loveandbooks